LIMITED SERIES/FILM PITCH
A reimagining of the classic film “The King of Comedy”, with a socially isolated deranged fan of 1980’s action movies kidnapping Arnold Schwarzenegger and forcing him to reprise the role of Conan the Barbarian.
Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis, and the rise of the sons of Aryas, there was an age undreamed of.
And unto this, Conan, destined to bear the jewelled crown of Aquilonia upon a troubled brow.
Uh, really? And when exactly? Arnold Schwarzenegger is 76 years old! He had another heart surgery that long ago.
Alas, this destiny must be fulfilled soon or it may be too late.
Let’s just all thank Crom that our global superstar is alive now, healthy and still as strong as an ox. He claims to be a regular human. Regular humans won’t live forever.
Now one of his fans has gone mad living in isolation.
This fan can’t bear the thought that he will never see his favourite action hero hold the sword of Conan aloft again.
The fan abducts Schwarzenegger and takes him to a hidden desert compound.
Schwarzenegger is stripped of his clothes and identity, dressed in a fur loin cloth, bound in chains, and thrown into a pit. He is Conan the Barbarian once again.
The fan forces Schwarzenegger to be his captive actor slave in a home made production of a “proper” Conan sequel.
Schwarzenegger is furious! But what can he do? He relents under the crack of the fan’s whip and the snaps from the high voltage electric fence that surrounds his fortress like compound.
Meanwhile, the world reacts to Schwarzenegger’s shocking abduction.
The media goes into melt down. Investigating authorities scramble to sort through all of the clues. Schwarzenegger’s family is understandably distraught over his mysterious disappearance.
The fan torments Schwarzenegger, and the actor struggles with the unbearable dialogue he is forced to say, and the senseless violence of the script, and clear misogyny throughout a plot drafted by a maniac.
“The best thing in life is not to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women!”, Schwarzenegger will shout back at his captor. “The best thing in life is family, good health, serving a community beyond yourself, and, to just love and be loved. You fucking loser!”
Schwarzenegger berates the fan’s misogyny as he is forced to recreate the film’s original poster pose, with sword aloft and a Barbarian clad sex doll posed at his feet.
Investigations reveal that the fan’s obsession with Conan the Barbarian also involved him sending threatening letters to comedian and talk show host Conan O’Brien.
The fan despises Conan O’Brien! He thinks the comedian’s entire career mocks the greatness of Conan the Barbarian.
The fan’s hatred for all things Conan O’Brien is complicated, as he has fallen in love with O’Brien’s famed assistant Sona Movsesian.
To the fan, she is Red Sonja.
Investigations further reveal that the fan has also been harassing actor Jason Mamoa ever since the release of the 2011 Conan the Barbarian reboot.
The FBI recruit Conan O’Brien and Jason Mamoa to assist them in a daring rescue operation. Conan O’Brien is reluctant to help.
Mocked since childhood, the comedian holds a long concealed hatred for anything related to Conan the Barbarian. It’s a long kept Hollywood secret that the sensitive comedian shares a similar hatred for anything related to Sherlock Holmes or it’s author Arthur Conan Doyle.
The rescue operation fails spectacularly.
The fan has booby trapped his compound and Conan O’Brien, Sona Movsesian and Jason Mamoa are all taken hostage.
The new prisoners are stripped of their clothes and identities, dressed in fur loin cloths, bound in chains, and made to act as villains and plot points for King Conan to vanquish and conquer.
Schwarzenegger is left with no options. He submits, and in the process gives the best acting performance of his life.
The fan watches from behind the camera in a state of awe, moved to tears by Schwarzenegger’s brilliant return to the spirit of the Barbarian character.
When the fan’s guard is down, Schwarzenegger takes the Conan sword, twirls it around and slices the way to freedom for himself and the other captives.
“And…cut!” he’ll proclaim, as he cuts his captor down.
Because this is Schwarzenegger!
Aside from this fantasy list cast of A listers, this could conceptually be produced as a relatively low budget action comedy.
A comedian like Rory Scovel or Pete Holmes in the role of the fan would be hilarious.
This project would appeal to all who share a love for action comedy, Conan O’Brien, and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s performance in the 1982 fantasy classic!
Does this venn diagram of comedy love apply to anyone but me?